yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
