I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
