chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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