That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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