he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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