After last night, I could never be a politician.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
