May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
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