he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I love having hate sex.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Randomize
