Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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