Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
