she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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