I wish I could teleport
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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