He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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