I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
