this just has baby written all over it
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
