I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
