Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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