What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
It's official drugs can't kill me
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
