nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
