I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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