There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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