If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
