dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
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