who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
