why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I love you.
Bad choice
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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