so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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