if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
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