You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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