so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Randomize
