I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
