Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
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She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
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I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
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