Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Randomize
