i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
