i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
Randomize
