Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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