Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
