How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Randomize
