So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
wanna go halves on a baby?
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
