go do what you do best...puke behind churches
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
