from now on my penis is your penis
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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