Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
It's just like the Real World with babies
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
