the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
