He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
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I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
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I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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