at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
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I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
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Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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