It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
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They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
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I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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