Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
This is classic penis vs brain.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
Randomize
