The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
