Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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