just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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