I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
Only a mothe r could love this liver
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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