I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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