This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize
