Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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