i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
