I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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