Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
We smell like vodka and hangover
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