literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
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