sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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