We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Come on in and take your pants off
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