i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
