so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I kinda realized titty fucking is purely for our enjoyment, they dont really get much out of it, except for a guy sitting on them and and a dick bouncing of their chin
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