So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
