I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
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